Pat Brown, Criminal Profiler Weighs In On Susan Murphy-Milano’s “Time’s Up”

Criminal Profiling Topic of the Day: TIME’S UP for Domestic Abuse

Pat Brown, The Daily Profiler

April 26, 2010

We hear the term, “Domestic Abuse,” thrown around quite a bit and it is worth taking a look at what it really means in our own lives. Is it physical, mental, or both? When does one spouse’s treatment of the other cross the line from just imperfect humans struggling in a relationship to one partner mistreating the other? After all, we know that marriage can be “work” and issues have to be dealt with and ironed out. We are going to disagree, even argue and be mad at each other, and, sometimes, we are not going to actually be able to kiss and make-up before bedtime. When should one start to worry that there is something really wrong with our marriage partnership?

I would say it is when the “partnership” becomes a boss and employee relationship and the boss is someone we would like to fire. While everyone wants power and control in life, a spouse must be willing to share that power and control with their partner, work together to achieve a balance where both parties are satisfied with the equation. Doing so is not a problem for those who love their spouse and want to see their spouse happy and want to achieve a positive and pleasing family life. Working together is an expectation for a committed couple and being good role models for the children is a natural desire for caring parents.

When one spouse becomes the master, putting his or her needs and desires above the spouse’s, doesn’t care how his/her mate feels, ignores the impact of this imbalance on the children, this is abuse – whether it is in the form of emotional manipulation of physical domination.

Ideally, one should wait a reasonable period of time before having children to see if one’s mate is one’s best friend, that you work out fair solutions to problems, that your beloved really loves you, and you are happy together. You need a couple of years, if not more, to find out whether you have just signed up for a partnership or a prison term. If your marriage sucks, having children in it will make it suck more and, worse, it will trap you for years and years as now you have a family you don’t want to destroy.

But, let’s suppose you have already blown it and you are stuck in a nightmare; you are being mentally or physically tortured with regularity and you fear your mate instead of feeling safe in their company. It’s time to make the decision to leave. Susan Milano-Murphy, one of my fellow bloggers at Women in Crime Ink knows well when someone should make a break for it and titles her new book on escaping abuse, TIME’S UP: A Guide on How to Leave an Abusive and Stalking Relationship.

If you are not frightened of your mate, you can simply state you want a separation, make plans to live in different residences, and, if you feel there is any hope through counseling, give your spouse a chance to make a change if he/she really wants to do so. If you think past behavior is pretty much a predictor of future behavior, then you are probably right (because it usually is), and you need to make the best choices you can for the well-being of the children.

But, if you are in a physically dangerous situation, if your spouse has been violent or threatening or coldly psychopathologically scary, you will want to get Susan’s book, TIME’S UP! This book doesn’t merely discuss when you should leave or why you should leave, it tells you HOW you should leave. The book has step-by-step instructions how to covertly make a plan, set-up a safe escape, deal with financial issues, and the paperwork. Susan even takes you line-by-line through the process, the forms, the legal issues…she takes you by the hand, and, believe me, when you are being terrorized and you are an basket case, you don’t need vague ideas, you need specific instructions. TIME’S UP can save your life and your sanity. If you need to get out, get this book before you make a mistake that could be fatal. It is money well spent.

Resources:
Order “Time’s Up!”
Order “Moving out, moving on”
Order “Defending our Lives”
Overview of Susan’s work
Abuse document and video

Susan Murphy-Milano’s website

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Could Susan Murphy-Milano’s “Time’s Up” have helped Susan Cox Powell before it was too late?

Fort Lauderdale  News  Seattle Headlines Examiner

April 12, 10:50 PM Seattle Headlines Examiner Isabelle Zehnder

Time’s Up! by Susan Murphy-Milano

Courtesy of Susan Murphy-Milano
Via Lisa Michels

April 12, 2010 – According to Susan Murphy-Milano, Susan Cox Powell is a great example of a woman who could have benefited from her newly released book “Time’s Up!”.

Susan Murphy-Milano believes that with the proliferation of deaths due to domestic violence, something has to be done, something different, and something effective.

Murphy-Milano is a 20-year veteran of family violence, having discovered the bodies of her mother and father after her father shot and killed them both. The memory of that day is forever etched in her memory. She is driven to help other women who are victims of domestic violence in their own homes.

Her newest book, “Time’s Up”, A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships,” was released April 12, 2010. (Click here to order.)

“Time’s Up!” guides the victim towards safety by showing them the unseen pitfalls of leaving a violent relationship and how to navigate around them.

“Time’s Up!” also has explicit details and instructions how to fill out an “Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit”, one of the unique things that Murphy-Milano has created and used through the years in high danger cases which has saved the lives of many.

You can actually live free from a life of abuse and violence using creative approaches developed by Susan Murphy Milano in her new book, “Time’s Up!”

You can’t Google the strategies and escape plans utilized by Susan who has devised a way that works and has been tested by time for over 20 years. Just like DNA, your road map will be uniquely your own because each safety plan is individual.

More than just a “to do” list, this book is a “must do” list if you are caught in a life threatening situation.

• How to properly hire a lawyer,
• How to find an apartment,
• How to keep your personal records safe,
• How to deal with stalking
• How to set up visitation and child support
• How to stay 10 steps ahead of the abuser

Susan Murphy Milano has been in the streets and shelters helping women escape from bad relationships and has developed creative ways out of frightening situations. There are domestic violence organizations and advocates who call on Susan daily to get her expert opinion on cases of battered women and how to get them on a track of freedom and safety. :

“I cannot emphasize how important this book is to all the women in your life.  Even if you are in a good, stable relationship, buy this book, keep it handy.  One day, when you least expect it, someone close to you will need it.  It can save a life—many lives.” `Diane Fanning, author of The Calylee Anthony Case “Mommy’s Liitle Giirl”, “Written in Blood”, ” Gone Forever” St. Martin’s Press  ( her website is http://www.dianefanning.com)

Previous books, “Defending Our Lives” and “Moving Out, Moving On” are benchmarks dealing with issues  domestic violence safety plans and are used throughout the country as examples of what to do should you be caught in a violent relationship. “Time’s Up!” uses the foundations and helps you to build your own, unique safety plan allowing you to escape safely and rebuild your life.

Following is an excerpt from another book written by Susan Murphy-Milano, “Moving out, moving on”:

If you are in a relationship, you must be treated with respect, which means your boyfriend or partner:

is willing to compromise
lets you feel comfortable being yourself
is able to admit to being wrong
tries to resolve conflict by talking honestly
respects your feelings, your opinions and your friends
accepts you saying no to things you don’t want to do (like sex)
accepts you changing your mind
respects your wishes if you want to end the relationship

When someone loves you; you feel valued, respected and free to be yourself. You shouldn’t be made to feel intimidated or controlled.

Think about your relationship – do you feel respected?

Susan Murphy-Milano is a specialist in family violence and works nationally with domestic violence programs, law enforcement and prosecutors providing technical and consulting services in “high risk” domestic violence and stalking related cases.

Her principal objective is to intervene before a victim is seriously injured or killed.

Murphy-Milano believes if missing women such as Susan Cox Powell, Renee Pernice, Stacy Peterson, and others, had created this abuse document the person responsible for their disappearance would be arrested (click here for abuse document and video).

Murphy-Milano is an advocate for women in abusive relationships across the country. She advocates for stronger laws to protect women. She has helped women feel protected by providing education and a safe haven. Click here for an overview of Susan’s work.

About Susan Murphy-Milano

Susan Murphy-Milano is often praised as one of the most dynamic and engaging speakers of our day in the domestic violence prevention field.

As an expert in the area of intimate partner violence and the prevention of homicide, Susan has created specific tools and procedures which the abused need to safely leave a violent relationship.

Her books, “Defending Our Lives”, “Moving Out, Moving On” and “Time’s Up!” are considered the “bibles” of how to make the move away from abuse and deal with the many confusing situations surrounding violence prevention, stalking, break-up or divorce.

Susan witnessed her father, a decorated Chicago Violent crimes Detective, brutally and violently attack her mother repeatedly. The words “if you leave I will kill you,” turned into reality the night Susan walked into her childhood home and found her mother murdered and her father in the next room dead from a self-inflicted gun-shot wound to the head.

Susan vowed then, and has, since the murder-suicide of her parents, carved out a road map making changes in the way the world looks at violence in and outside the home.

Her books and strategies are taught world-wide and used by law enforcement, domestic abuse advocates, social workers, attorneys, health care workers, human resource departments and domestic violence agencies. The comprehensive strategies and escape plans utilized by Susan have been successful and tested by time for over 20 years.

Susan uses humor, passion, and all her years of experience to motivate her audience to become more effective first responders, advocates and professionals in their work to stop family violence.

Susan’s quest for justice was instrumental in the passage of the Illinois Stalking Law and the Lauternberg Act.

She has been prominently featured in newspapers, magazines, radio and television including: The Oprah Winfrey Show, Larry King Radio, ABC’S 20/20, Justice Files, E-True Hollywood, CNN, Sunday Today Show Profile, Women’s Day, Family Circle, US News and World Report to name only a few.

She has frequently participated in guest media commentary panels on major news programs. She is a contributor to the online blogs Women and Crime Ink and the crime survivors blog Time’s Up.

Susan Murphy-Milano is the author of “Defending Our Lives” published by Doubleday books and “Moving Out Moving On” when a relationship goes wrong.

Her newest book, “Time’s Up!” A Guide on How to Leave and Survive Abusive and Stalking Relationships, is available on-line and in bookstores.

Susan is host of The Susan Murphy Milano Show and will be participating in the new television show, “Crime Wire” which will examine cases in which the investigations have left questions unanswered and possible criminal activity unexposed. Her Website is www.susanmurphymilano.com.

Resources:
Order “Time’s Up!”
Order “Moving out, moving on”
Order “Defending our Lives”
Susan Murphy-Milano’s website
Overview of Susan’s work
Abuse document and video

Time’s Up – A Book of Distinction

TigressPen’s Surmisals

Until Susan Murphy Milano educated us all on the meaning of the term ‘Domestic Abuse,’ and it’s long term effect on women and children of the abused, anytime we heard of LE going to a home where a husband and wife were ‘arguing,’ one slapped the other stuff is the way we viewed it. Marital discord, family spat, heated argument – those were the terms we read and believed was truth in these situations. The incidents were nothing more than a shrug and head shake of ‘shame on them disgust,’ and quickly forgotten.

I read another blog piece on ‘Psychology Today,’ praising this book and the author, Robin Sax, mentioned OJ Simpson. That mention got me to thinking; I can’t remember spouse abuse of any kind being seriously discussed on talk shows before the OJ trial. Before the murder trial, when OJ Simpson beat on Nicole and she called the cops, they basically overlooked and did not really see abuse for what it really was, domestic violence; they saw him as the great football hero, Nicole as the argumentative wife with an attitude. Unfortunately, we saw domestic violence that way throughout the US long before they made Nicole’s abuse public; wives had an attitude and they were just ungrateful. The first question spouses were and, sadly, often still asked is ‘What did You do to deserve it?’ That question makes my blood pressure rise! In truth, wives do nothing to deserve it! Nobody deserves to be hit or beaten in any way. Now we see ‘marital discord’ that becomes physical for what it is – Abuse! And it’s abuse that could, and too often does, escalate to murder.

Women (and men who are abused) need ‘Time’s Up’. They not only need to read it, to think about their own situations, but need to be proactive and protect themselves and their children from an abuser. I think of Micah Pate, killed in April of 2009, and wonder how often or if she was abused by her husband, Thomas, prior to her murder. He claims accidental shooting but, (and that is a huge but) his story doesn’t add up in my mind. I think Micah could have greatly benefitted from ‘Time’s Up’ and it’s roadmap of advice.

‘Time’s Up’ is the best gift a person can give a friend whom they believe is in an abusive relationship. Teens need this book; teens abusing their girlfriend or boyfriend are more prevalent than many realize. Verbal, emotional and physical abuse is escalating in teens.

To quote Robin Sax – To say that Susan Murphy Milano has hit the nail on the head (again) is a total understatement! How true! That is more than an understatement; Susan has hit the nail dead-center, choreographed a life-saving-roadmap for the abused. No word can adequately express or exemplify how important ‘Time’s Up’ is for victims of abuse.

‘Time’s Up’ is more than a manual, a handbook, it’s more than just another book, it’s a ‘Lifesaver,’ a surefire roadmap chocked full of ways to document evidence and protect yourself; in protecting yourself, you are also protecting your children from a life with an abuser. Hopefully, we will eventually see a copy of ‘Time’s Up’ in every library, every police department, every school, every church and every shelter where those who need help can utilize it and protect themselves from an abuser.